Ask Me About Unicorns

I think that we've all realized that just about everything we come in contact with during the course of the day reminds us of Twilight. The worst part about it is when it happens when you're with a non-Twitard. Cause then you can't even chuckle out loud. Well, I do, which is why most of my non-Twi friends think I've finally fallen off the deep end. With goggles and a Speedo on.

We made buffalo chicken empandas (fried love/Leighann's Rican Cooking) again the other night and a friend of ours and his new girl showed up halfway into the venture. Now mind you, making empanadas is a dangerous thing to do sober. A vat of hot oil is scary when you're not intoxicated. When you are intoxicated, it's not scary at all, thus the problem. So there was drunkenness, there was hot oil, there was that "it's been a long, shitty week and we're a little punchy at this point" feeling. And some random friends showed up and got immersed in the crazy. I must note at this juncture that I really don't get along with random chicks. I try not to be bitchy, but I can't help it. Even when I think I'm being nice and polite, I sound like a douchebag.

So anyway, this girl comes in, kisses MY baby and tells me that she heard I had been babysitting all day. Ok bitch. Let's break this down. Number One: Keep your skanky lips off my kid. Number Two: I am NOT a babysitter. Don't ever call me that again or I will have to punch you in your vajayjay. Once we got that cleared up, I really, really tried to remain pleasant. I think I did an ok job until she put her "purse" down on the table (I swear to god this long ass story is going to turn Twi-related...stay with me!). It was a fucking metal Wonder Woman lunchbox.

When she went outside to smoke a cigarette, Leighann whispered to me, "Maybe she thinks she's Wonder Woman." I had to open it up to see what she had stored in it (natch). The usual purse stuff (if you are a usual person. She had no chocolate Robwards and scraps of papers with stupid blog ideas on them). But then I giggled. I giggled louder. I bounced in my seat a little. Because that stupid twat's lunchbox reminded me of Bella in Mr. Horrible. She is by far my favorite Bella (don't know what the says about me...I kinda relate to her). Then I got pissed because I didn't want to associate one of my favorite fics with the annoying twat blister who was smoking a Virginia Slim menthol on the back porch. But then I calmed down and decided to go read it again, which was a fantastic idea.

Ok, so that was obscure Twilight reference number one. Number two happened in the grocery store yesterday. I was in the checkout line and the cashier was this old woman who looked like she had maybe endured a few too many head contusions in her lifetime. She had on a nametag, and while I don't remember what her name was, I do remember that under her name it said "Ask me about unicorns." I am really, really regretting not asking her about unicorns because I'm pretty sure it would have been a conversation I would have remembered for the rest of my life.

Also on the agenda for this week is a trip to the art museum with my mom to look at some Egyptian shit. **Have you READ Mr. Horrible?!** I am so hoping to run into Edward. It will be epic.

Saving this one for last, because I know how some of you feel about old KStew. But I really kinda like her and when I saw the pics of her from the press junket on Friday, I texted Leighann and said, "I'm pretty sure I'd go lesbo for KStew." To which she replied, "Freak." Whatever. It's trufax. I don't understand the hate that some people have for her. I mean really, if she's actually boinking Rob, then I say more power to ya, bitch! Hit that shit like it's nobody's business. I know I would. Shamelessly.

Yeah, I'd consider it. Pic from here.

Of course, I wouldn't have to even consider this. Holy hot sex, Batman! Pic from here.

So that's where I'm at right now. Somewhere in between being willing to bump uglies with KStew, unicorns, Wonder Woman, and Rob in a Batman t-shirt. Not a bad place to be.

Prank Calls, Zoo Animals, And Tying It All Back Into Twilight

It's like a disease:


"Haha. It's like in Twilight when....."

or

"Haha. It's like in that one interview where Rob says/does..."

or

"Haha. If Rob were here I bet he would..."

It is my life now. And I'm cool with that. And thankfully, I'm pretty good at keeping it to myself when I'm out in public with my non-Twi friends. I just sink down into my insanity until someone shakes me and says, "Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, we expect a little bit of weirdness, but you've been standing there with your arms wrapped around yourself giggling for a half an hour."

That's my awkward transition into this discussion of how prank calls and zoo animals make me think of Twilight and/or the glory that is RPattz.

Saturday night was a doozy (is that how you spell doozy? what exactly is a doozy? oh right...my Saturday night). We made banana bread and buffalo chicken empanadas (aka fried love), Landen ate carrots for the first time (orange is the new "it" color) and broke up a fight between the lab and one of the pitbulls (the pitbull came away bleeding, btw). At this point, life called for a little liquid relaxation so we commenced with the drinking. I honestly thought that I may have died and gone to heaven, drinking a Woodchuck, eating a super fucking fantastic buffalo chicken empanada, watching Guster on Ice with my besties, and generally decompressing from an extraordinarily long and shitastic week. I even laughed when my mom texted me to tell me that she and my dad were going out for a glass of wine while my brother was at an AA meeting. I raised a shot of Jager to my lovingly dysfunctional family and was glad that we were all on the same wavelength.

It wasn't long before Guster came out and Twilight went in and it was at this point that I decided we should make some prank calls. So Brad stole my phone and started calling the 4 random numbers that I have from the 3.5 days that I did the online dating thing. Thankfully he had the wits about him to block my number, and we left messages for all of them. Poor guys. At least one message was nothing but Leighann and I making a rap out of the phrase "animal attack."

Then, (lightbulb moment!!) I called 411.

Operator: City and state please.

Me: Los Angeles, California

Operator: How can I help you in Los Angeles?

Me: Robert Thomas Pattinson, please [drunk me was being pretty polite!].

Operator (who was a guy): You have got to be kidding me. Hold on please.

Me: Word, brother!

Operator: Would you like a text message of this listing sent to your phone?

Me: Abso-fucking-lutely [this was quite possibly the longest 411 conversation I've ever had.]

So I get connected to "Robert Thomas Pattinson" who lives in LA. I'm screaming, "Oh my god! What if they're really connecting me to him? Why hasn't anyone else ever thought of this? I am a fucking savant!" and Leighann is doing the animal attack rap in the background.

Unfortunately, I got connected to the voicemail of a definitely un-British guy. I left a message anyway, just to let him know that I had 411'd Robert Pattinson and gotten connected to him. I don't remember exactly what all I said, but I think I told him that this could work out really well for him and that he needed to do some research, buy some flannel, and start pretending to be Rob when drunk girls call him. Funny though, I never heard back from him. Also funny is that I have a text message with Robert PattERSON's address in it. I may send him a card.

That was Saturday. Sunday morning, my dumbass was up at o'dark-thirty, cleaning the house and washing dishes. Even the dogs stayed in bed. It was a weird sudden burst of productive energy, fueled by empanadas, hard cider, and Robward (natch). We eventually made it to the zoo. Let's take a photographic tour, shall we?

Animal Attack!

There was a box of Captain Crunch in the sloth enclosure. WTF?

Hold on tight, spider monkey (yes, I hate that fucking line. But I can't help it.)

So that's all I got. I thought I had more pictures from the zoo, but I think I dropped the ball on the camera duties. It was way too much multi-tasking for me...animals, baby, stroller, camera, witty dialog. I gave up once we got past the goats and the monkeys.

Next weekend's adventure will revolve around trick or treating. We're leaving the 'hood and going over to my parent's neighborhood. I told my mom that we will only except Twi-chocolate and/or five dollar bills. She laughed. I don't think she realized how serious I was.

**LATE BREAKING NEWS**

I just saw one of the New Moon spots on the actual TV!! And during the Skins game to boot. Woot woot! I screamed and squeed and generally made an ass out of myself. No one else was that excited. I am so freaking excited for this movie to happen.

Baby Attack! (Revenge!)