The "Meg Is Lazy" Christmas Post...3 Days Late

For the past week I've been all like, "I'm gonna write some shit about Christmas." Yeah, well, that never happened. I think I have a half-finished post save somewhere on here, but I'm too lazy to read and edit it.


Christmas kinda sucked. My brother is in rehab and *still* has not called to say hi, fuck you, or Merry Christmas. Seriously. He's such a little shit. Everyone's broke, so that kind of sucks. And then Christmas eve, through the fuckery that is Facebook, I saw that my ex was taking his fucking cheating cunt bitch girlfriend home with him for Christmas. I don't know why this bothered me so much, because I could really care less about both of them, but I was close to his family and I miss them and I want her to die. On top of that, I was sleeping in the same room that my friend Tom stayed in all summer while getting stem cell therapy and that made me miss him like a mother fucker and cry a lot.



But anyway, now I'm at the beach and even though I have to go back to work tomorrow, I love being home. My cats are happy, my dogs are happy, and the parakeet doesn't seem any less unhappy. So instead of elaborating on all the bullshit, here are some pictures.


I love you all and hope that you had a great holiday. I have to say that I was able to maintain some sanity by hanging out and drinking with all of you awesome people on twitter every night. I wish we all lived closer so that we could do in in person every night. :-)

My road...this is why I love being home.

My back yard...again, why I love being home.


Turtle playing ball.

Papa P. made waffles for Christmas morning. Very nom.

My little monkey...his first Christmas. :-)

Mimosa?

Papa P. making nog Christmas Eve

Oysters...nom nom nom

Me and Leighann made dogs treats. We had an audience.

Landen opening his stocking.

Dog Shirts and Toothless Guys With Rob On Top

Before I get started, Bex needs a cupcake. Here ya go love. Lick the icing off first. ;-)

Ok. Now that that piece of business is out of the way, let me just say that this is gonna be a random one.

I've been promising Bex that Turtle has pictures for her since like, forever ago, and have been too blah to actually download them off of my camera. But I'm gonna do it tonight! I swear. (See, Past Meg is writing this and Future Meg is going to post it later tonight. Magic.)

Fire Crotch sent me pictures of the shirts that she bought for her guys and I just knew that T had to have a shirt. And I found the perfect one. It says, "What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?" That describes him to a T (haha...pun intended, bitches!). He's like a super-human moron (pat on the back if you know where that came from. Don't be ashamed...you know you do). So anyway, the shirt came in last week and I was so impressed that it fit him (FC and I discussed this....the ones she ordered fit too. It's hard to fit my dogs because they're like body builders and their chests are really wide. If you have big dogs, order an XXL from CafePress. You won't be disappointed). Turtle hates wearing clothes, which is unfortunate since I buy a lot for him.

I put the shirt on him and we watched Twilight (natch). He was glued to the screen. When the scene that's described on his shirt came on, he insisted I take a picture. Him and his Uncle Robward, partners in mind-reading, virgin-deflowering, I-wanna-suck-yer-blood crime. *sigh* I'm a proud mama. Here he is in all his glory:

So that's random shit number one. Random shit number two goes along with the fact that I decided to cancel Christmas Sunday morning because I didn't feel good, my family is all kinda fucked up right now, my house was a mess, I hate my neighbors, I didn't get to see Jack all week, and I was PMSing. I texted this to Leighann, who promptly wrote back, "Snap out of it bitch! We're going to get Christmas trees tonight!" Groan. I had the baby all day and drug (dragged? What's correct here? No, I don't have an English degree. Ok, I do, but it's in creative writing and we don't have to use correct grammar if we don't want to. Plus, I'm from BFE Carolina/Virginia and talk like a super-human moron sometimes) Justin with me to a kiddie Christmas party. Bless him. We got back and Justin bailed (bitch) and me, Brad, Leighann, Landen, and BigBabyD went to get trees. It was sumpthin. Here's me with the toothless dude who secured it to the roof of my car for me. He was nice.

Brad helped me get the tree in a stand and into my house, and as we stood there admiring it, he asked if I'd ever had a Christmas tree up in my own house before. The answer to that is no because DouchBag ex always thought it was too messy and he just wanted to go home to his mama's house to enjoy a Christmas tree. Brad shook his head and set forth the following proclamation: From this day on, we will always have Christmas trees no matter what. The end. Then he said, "It's Christmas, bitches!" and I was filled with the holiday spirit. I love him.

So here's my tree. I got some lights and about 7 ornaments (ok. Moment of truth. I went to type ornament and typed unicorns instead. WTF is wrong with me?) on it and then gave up. But I think it's pretty and my big huge multi-colored seriously tacky lights are FTW. Oh, and is that a glittery Rob on top? I think it may be.

And I'll leave you with this. I can't look at this picture and not be in the holiday spirit. He told Santa he wanted a pony and a Rob, by the way. Srsly. Santa looked at me like I'd lost my mind. *fist pump* Represent!!

Spanks For Spanky

So I have managed to keep a parakeet alive since September. This is a good thing. In my lifetime, I have had: dogs, cats, horses, goats, ducks, hedgehogs, ferrets, hamsters, fish, and frogs. But I had never, ever had a bird until I got Crackrock. He is insane. I was pretty sure I had given him a heart attack trying to get him into his new cage. Luckily, he survived and we now have a mutual respect for each other that borders on love.

The original plan for Crackrock was to get him to talk. According to Google the bird that held the record for being able to say the most words was a parakeet. So the brilliance struck me: I'm gonna get Crackrock to talk, and it's gonna be with a British accent and he's gonna say things that I dream of Rob saying to me.

Ok, so that plan's a fail. I'll be lucky if I ever get Crackrock to sit on my finger, let alone talk like Rob. So of course that means that I need a $2000 African Grey Parrot. Like this one:

After I purchase this bird, I will send him to Bex and Stan so they can teach him to talk like Rob. Bex has named him Spanky. And they will teach him to say things like "trolly" instead of shopping cart and "tea" instead of dinner. And "fucking twat" which is what we say but they'll teach him to do it with a smexy British accent. ;-) Good plan, huh?

Here's where we need your help. Memory_Jean, Fire Crotch, Rob's Swiss Miss, and of course myself have very generously donated some great items, services, and dignity. Have something you wanna donate to the cause? Leave it in the comments! Let make Spanks For Spanky a success!!!!

Meg:

Off-Key Singing (you pick the song)

Mad Caesar Salad Making Skillz

Memory_Jean:

Her body ("I gotta whore it for the sake of Spanky")

Cereal

Fire Crotch:

Her Fat (she's not, btw)

Crusty Peeps

Rob's Swiss Miss:

The fine art of sandwich making (RSM now stands for RaunchySandwichMaker)

Fooseball Lessons (beer included)

Her cleavage (there was talk of motorboating)

Marie

Body shots using an "Everything Is Bigger In Texas" shotglass (I'll supply the salt and lime)

This is a work in progress. If you want to donate something (I really want a Snoward *coughFragileLittleHumancough*) leave it in the comments and I will revise. Oh, and don't forget about #TheHookup going on over at Phantastic Phil's Phansite. It's turned into an orgy.

Customary What I'm Thankful For List

It's Thanksgiving and I'm being reflective. I've had a long week and my brain has gone into Manic Meg Mode, which means a lot of crying, only eating Cap'n Crunch, and watching TV on mute. But I really do have a lot to be thankful for and I felt the need to write those things down. So here goes...

I'm thankful for this guy. He's the best thing that's happened to me all year and I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person.

This year I can't say that I'm thankful that everyone in my family is happy, healthy and together, but I can say that I am thankful that we all love each other and that I know everything will be ok once we get past this rough spot.

I'm thankful for my little family. My dogs, Ruca and Turtle, my cats Gracie and Moo, my bird Crackrock, and my horse Jack. They keep me going when I want to just crawl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself.

I'm thankful that I have a job that I enjoy (most of the time!) and that really does make me a better person. In that same vein, I am so thankful for the wonderful friendship that I shared with my colleague Tom. I will miss his humor, his wit, his vast, vast knowledge, his never ending kindness and compassion, and most of all his support. He made me a better historian and a better person and I will be eternally grateful for that. I am going to finish my book for him because I know he would want me to and he would be proud of me.

I am thankful for my best friends Brad and Leighann. They are my family and my support and my life and I really can't imagine what I would do without them. I would be lost.

And of course I am thankful for all of you. This is such a wonderful, supportive, happy community! I have met so many great people and made so many great friends. I know others have talked about how Twilight has brought us together, and it sounds kinda corny (heh...FireCrotch) but it's true. Those silly books got me through a really crappy time in my life and kind of opened up a whole new world for me. I can be having the crappiest day, but then one of you crazy bitches will post something spectacular or say something that makes me snort on Twitter and I'm happy again. And I think that it goes without saying that I'm thankful for VF Rob.

So there you have it. I hope everyone has a wonderful day, even if you're not celebrating Thanksgiving. Did you know that despite popular belief, the first Thanksgiving was really held in Virginia, not up in New England? Trufax. Google it.

My Non-Review of New Moon

Me and My Bitches. And Our Awesome Shirts.

Ok. I have written and deleted this 6 times now. I was going to jot down my thoughts on the movie. But really, who gives a shit? Do you really care what I thought of it? I mean, I liked it. There were parts that I wish had been better, but the book is always better than the movie. Period. I will say that my two favorite scenes were the Oct/Nov/Dec Sad Bella in the Window one (the music was fantastic and I wanted to hug KStew and tell her that boys suck) and the scene where Charlie, et. al. are hunting the wolves, the wolves are hunting Victoria and Bella is going to the cliff. Again, the music was great there and I really like how it was sort of the climax (heh heh) for the whole movie. And the crow was cool. I love crows.

Kelly and I. My shirt says: As If You Could Out Run Me / As If I Would Want To.

She is lit'rally out of her mind. The back says "Animal Attack".


Cathy likes Twilight. But not like us. I made her wear this shirt. Above the picture of Jacob, it says "Legal In Georgia." Above Wolfy Jacob, it says "Also Legal in Georgia." haha

What's more interesting is the insanity that was my life leading up to midnight on Thursday. I was so amped up on Wednesday that I backed my brand new truck into a fucking No Parking sign. I was busy thinking about the fuckawesome shirts I was going to make and wasn't paying attention to where the hell I was going. Brad won't tell me how much it's going to cost to fix it, just that "I can do it cheaper than anyone else." Great.

My tail light. I know, right? D'oh.

Whatever...got the shirts made, we made it to the theater, walked right in and got fantastic seats, and spent a lot of time drinking in the bathroom before the movie started. I did a porno scream when the Remember Me trailer started (Cutie, I thought of you. I really did. But it was necessary. I didn't make another sound through the rest of the movie). Movie started, I went catatonic for a few hours, and life was good. The best part was the text from RobsSwissMiss that I got at 2:25 a.m. that simply said "I thought the movie was broke." Hahaha. So did I, bitch. So did I. How 'bout that ending?!

The second best part was the fact that Leighann was on the news. She's a crazy bitch.

Best.Shit.Ever.

I somehow managed to sleep a little Thursday night, then got up and Leighann and I smuggled turkey sandwiches into a 1:00 show. It was like snuggling with an old friend. After that, I booked it home to feed the dogs so that I could go meet FireCrotch and Bitches for a 7:30 show. That was a fan girl experience. We had to wait in line, everyone literally ran into the theater, people were screaming, and other such nonsense. It was fun, but I was glad I'd already seen the movie twice because I would have had to cut a bitch if it had been the first time. One of the best things to come out of the evening was the Edward Snuggie idea. How's that coming along, FireCrotch? Get on that shit!! ;-) (I'm having font fail. Just ignore it. It goes along with my life fail).

Saturday dawned bright and early to me finding out that my brother's going to be in rehab for the holidays and a that a dear friend of mine had passed away from cancer. Needless to say, I was happy to still be riding my New Moon high. I'm currently going into DT's and think that another trip to the theater might be in order for tomorrow night. Rob's fucked up nipples make everything better!

So that's my Non-Review. I'm not happy with it. I'm itching to hit the delete button again, but I won't. I'm gonna post this shit and then go create a website for Matt Bushell. That's Phil. You know, the reason that Edward and Bella are together? Yeah, that guy. The best secondary character ever created. Buckle your seatbelts for that shit.

And now begins the countdown to Eclipse. 217 day to go! Woooooooot!!!

Atlantic Assault 2009

I had a whole post planned and actually written about the serious weather shit we just went through, but I deleted it. It was boring and wordy. I will share some pictures, however, because they are kind of funny (you should see the ones I refuse to put online. I may e-mail them to you for the right amount of Robporn).


But first, several things.


1. Have you written your Twiangle twiku yet? Yeah, me either. But you must! Go here for more info.


2. Matt Bushell wants YOU to join his Phantatic Phil Phanclub. There's no official site (yet!) but it's coming. Oh yes, it's coming. Trend him on Twitter. #MattBushell .


3. Have you seen The Haunted Airman? Wanna watch it and then write down your thoughts in a special Haunted Airman journal? RobsSwissMiss and I are sending that bad boy across the world, and you're invited to join in on the fun. Just e-mail or DM either one of us for details. I'm @donnersun, by the way.


4. Who the fuck is excited for Thursday? Me! And you, I'm sure. I cannot wait. I am going to be a puddle of mushy goo by the time I leave work on Thursday. Fun fact: Did you know that when Snow White first came out, they had to replace the seats in Radio City Music Hall because so many kids wet themselves when the wicked witch came onscreen? I wonder how many seats will need to be replaced after this weekend ifyouknowwhatimsayin! ;-)




So without further adieu, I give to you the past four days. They were filled with rain, alcohol, crazy newscasters, flying sheds, and Twilight (natch). I did go out in the middle of a hurricane to buy a Vanity Fair and beer. How's that kind of dedication for ya?

The reason Brad and Leighann evacuated to my house. Flying Shed.







Jager in a Hurricane glass? Yes please.

And I'm good. Got my baby, my Mama Bear, and a beer.

Bubbly? Why not!

That's the leak. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Brad lost his mind around day 3 and started reading my magazines.

Twikus!

Yeah, you read that right. Twikus! My homegirls over at The Twiangle are having a little contest. It's a pretty cool one, too. All you gotta do is write a haiku about Twilight. It can be about the story, the characters, or even the awesomeness of The Twiangle! Or corn (I'm lookin' at you, Firecrotch!). You could win a super fantastic Cafe Press t-shirt. Head on over for more info and to leave your twiku in the comments.

While I have you here, I also want to pimp my new favorite movie star, Matt Bushell. He played Phil. Yep. New stepdad Phil. Look on my sidebar. Past the picture of Jack. Past Cutie's "shut the fuck up and don't ruin New Moon for me" button. Past my wonderful follwers. There you go. There's Matt. Click on that picture to go to his imdb page. Leave him a comment telling him to open up a Twitter account so we can be friends with him before he hits it really big. KThnx.

And here's a haiku that I wrote in college:

I want to go out
But I have homework to do
And I’m hungover.

Ask Me About Unicorns

I think that we've all realized that just about everything we come in contact with during the course of the day reminds us of Twilight. The worst part about it is when it happens when you're with a non-Twitard. Cause then you can't even chuckle out loud. Well, I do, which is why most of my non-Twi friends think I've finally fallen off the deep end. With goggles and a Speedo on.

We made buffalo chicken empandas (fried love/Leighann's Rican Cooking) again the other night and a friend of ours and his new girl showed up halfway into the venture. Now mind you, making empanadas is a dangerous thing to do sober. A vat of hot oil is scary when you're not intoxicated. When you are intoxicated, it's not scary at all, thus the problem. So there was drunkenness, there was hot oil, there was that "it's been a long, shitty week and we're a little punchy at this point" feeling. And some random friends showed up and got immersed in the crazy. I must note at this juncture that I really don't get along with random chicks. I try not to be bitchy, but I can't help it. Even when I think I'm being nice and polite, I sound like a douchebag.

So anyway, this girl comes in, kisses MY baby and tells me that she heard I had been babysitting all day. Ok bitch. Let's break this down. Number One: Keep your skanky lips off my kid. Number Two: I am NOT a babysitter. Don't ever call me that again or I will have to punch you in your vajayjay. Once we got that cleared up, I really, really tried to remain pleasant. I think I did an ok job until she put her "purse" down on the table (I swear to god this long ass story is going to turn Twi-related...stay with me!). It was a fucking metal Wonder Woman lunchbox.

When she went outside to smoke a cigarette, Leighann whispered to me, "Maybe she thinks she's Wonder Woman." I had to open it up to see what she had stored in it (natch). The usual purse stuff (if you are a usual person. She had no chocolate Robwards and scraps of papers with stupid blog ideas on them). But then I giggled. I giggled louder. I bounced in my seat a little. Because that stupid twat's lunchbox reminded me of Bella in Mr. Horrible. She is by far my favorite Bella (don't know what the says about me...I kinda relate to her). Then I got pissed because I didn't want to associate one of my favorite fics with the annoying twat blister who was smoking a Virginia Slim menthol on the back porch. But then I calmed down and decided to go read it again, which was a fantastic idea.

Ok, so that was obscure Twilight reference number one. Number two happened in the grocery store yesterday. I was in the checkout line and the cashier was this old woman who looked like she had maybe endured a few too many head contusions in her lifetime. She had on a nametag, and while I don't remember what her name was, I do remember that under her name it said "Ask me about unicorns." I am really, really regretting not asking her about unicorns because I'm pretty sure it would have been a conversation I would have remembered for the rest of my life.

Also on the agenda for this week is a trip to the art museum with my mom to look at some Egyptian shit. **Have you READ Mr. Horrible?!** I am so hoping to run into Edward. It will be epic.

Saving this one for last, because I know how some of you feel about old KStew. But I really kinda like her and when I saw the pics of her from the press junket on Friday, I texted Leighann and said, "I'm pretty sure I'd go lesbo for KStew." To which she replied, "Freak." Whatever. It's trufax. I don't understand the hate that some people have for her. I mean really, if she's actually boinking Rob, then I say more power to ya, bitch! Hit that shit like it's nobody's business. I know I would. Shamelessly.

Yeah, I'd consider it. Pic from here.

Of course, I wouldn't have to even consider this. Holy hot sex, Batman! Pic from here.

So that's where I'm at right now. Somewhere in between being willing to bump uglies with KStew, unicorns, Wonder Woman, and Rob in a Batman t-shirt. Not a bad place to be.

Fun Gone Bad: The Meme Continues

Alrighty. So the chicas over at The Twiangle tagged me in the Twitarded meme. I actually answered the questions in the comments over at Twitarded, but I'll do it again with spellcheck and actually put some thought into them this time. Plus, I've sent them to my bff Leighann who is my partner in Twi-crime even though she doesn't read this blog or any other blog (except for the crap that I e-mail her and say READ THIS BITCH!). Our adventures make for some good writin', and even though she's the one who stays at home taking care of the kid all day, I do all the leg work. I'm not bitter or anything...and now that she actually has internet access (I know, right? Unbelievable.) I may strong arm her into guest posting. But don't doubt her devotion to all things Twi. She photoshops my face into pictures of Rob, sends me texts at midnight that say "Rob says goodnight," she went to the mall with me to heckle PFach (she tells me to stay off her Kool-Aid when I make mention of his extreme hawtness), and she'll be drinkin' right alongside me at midnight on November 20. I lovers her.

Ok. Done making out with Leighann. Let's get this meme rolling, shall we?

I'll go first.

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that's you'd be willing to share!)?

I've been struggling with this one. Because I've done a lot of crazy/stupid things. Everything that I did the first time I went to the UK comes to mind. We had a hotel scavenger hunt at 2:00 in the morning and stole everything from a silver tea service to all the light bulbs in the hallways. We ran up a $400 bar tab in the hotel bar one night. I got in a fight with a girl from Minnesota who kept rambling on and on to me about feminism. I kinda remember telling her that I didn't come all the way to London to listen to a hairy underarmed bitch from Minnesota.


2) One of my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)

This one is easy for me. Fuck Carlisle (Sorry Leighann. But I would. And it would be great. You can watch if you want). Marry Edward (Cliched, I know. But it's Edward! I would convince him to get some ink and start cussing). Kill Phil (Hear me out. If I kill Phil, then Bella will never move to Forks, will never meet Edward, and I don't have to kill her. I kind of like her, so that works out well for everyone involved.)

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?

My favorite band is Guster, followed closely by Better Than Ezra. I've seen both live more times than I can count. Guster rocks because when they come to town they usually play 2 nights in a row, which equals two days of uninterrupted bliss for Meggles. And I love, love, love Brian, their drummer. He is a god. In fact, his nickname is Thunder God. The first time I met him, I didn't say hi. I said, "Hey, my horse's name means Thunder Duke in German. Like Thunder God. Like they call you." He looked at me like I was absolutely insane (astute observation on his part).

Other bands I dig: The Flaming Lips, Band of Horses, Soul Coughing/Mike Doughty, Modest Mouse, Gomez, Iron and Wine, TV On The Radio, Butch Walker/Marvelous 3, etc., etc., etc.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?

I love old Disney cartoons about animals (I hate princess movies), like The Fox and The Hound, Robin Hood, The Aristocats...and I love Lilo and Stitch.

Also: Empire Records, Pirates of the Caribbean, Can't Hardly Wait, Clerks...

I don't have a long attention span, and watch more TV than movies. I try to get to the theater a couple of times a month with my buddy Justin. The last two great movies we saw were Whip It and Where The Wild Things Are. Both were fantastic.

5) Do your RL family/friends know you're addicted to Twilight? A blogger?

They know, but I don't think they realize the extent. My mom was telling me yesterday how she saw New Moon calendars at the mall, but didn't buy me one because she thought I may be "over it" by January. Pfffffffffttt! I have expressed to her my need for the Robward duvet cover, and Leighann texted her this epic photoshopped picture last night, but I think she's in denial that her almost 30 year old daughter with an English degree and decent job spends an inordinate amout of time on this shit. Whatevs.





6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.

If I think about it I may feel bad for everything else in my life. I have an intense fear of becoming a "crazy cat lady" and fan fiction may catapult me into that realm.


7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter.


My life is a litany of random facts. Here's a few:


*I have 2 pitbulls who I love dearly (Ruca and Turtle). I try to be an advocate for the breed--they are unfairly stereotyped.

*I've ridden horses since I was really little. All through high school and college, I was a working student, riding up to 4 horses a day and showing almost every weekend.

*My horse Jack is my heart and soul. I bought him after seeing a video of him and had him flown here from Germany. His registered name is Donnersun. ;-)

*My brother works for a high-ranking ACC college basketball team and one of my favorite things to do is go to games.

*I am getting certified in reiki, I use a pendulum on a daily basis, and I practice energy healing on my animals.

*I wrote my master's thesis on the Cultural and Economic Impact of the Mule in the American South.

*I have a portfolio of poetry as a result of my creative writing degree, but I'm too chicken shit to do anything with it.

*I'm a wordy bitch.

I could go on and on with the weirdness, but I'll spare you.

And now I present to you my wonderful, fantastic, super, unbelievable, enabling, wears socks with capri-pants best friend, Leighann!

I'm not retyping the questions, so follow along carefully.

1) Going dirtbike riding down railroad tracks, wearing flip flops and shorts. Oh yeah, did I mention I was riding on the back? Yeah, muffler burns, sore legs and butt cheeks. Fun GONE BAD!

2) Fuck: Emmett
Marry: Carlisle
Kill: The Cafe Waitress

3) No yo yo bullshit, except BIGGIE! Woot. And all country singers can go play in traffic.

4) The Haunted Airman--Rob gets a sponge bath, yo! [note from Meg: Seriously, bitch? lmao]

5) First of all, I don't blog! I got a kid! haha But kudos to all of you who take the time. And as far as this "addiction," I don't have one! I feel that saying "addicted" means there's a problem. I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM! I'M COOL! Thanks!

6) Not sure. Periodically my phone will go "ding" and something Twi-related pops up. Always a good surprise!

7) I am currently perfecting my crop and paste technique so I can make family portraits (Meg and Rob) of the newlyweds. Rob will find out in due time.

See, unlike me, she's brief and to the point. That's why I keep her around. ;)

So there you have it. That's us in a butshell (I meant nutshell but typed butshell, and it made me giggle so I went with it). My potential baby-daddy/voice of reason/best friend Brad creeped up on us doing this and said he wanted to answer the questions too. I've e-mailed them to him and may post them later if he promises to be cool and leave work early on the 19th so we can get to the theater at 4:00 (he's babysitting).

This is epically long, but that's how I roll. I don't think there's anyone left to tag, so if you want to be tagged, tag yourself. Self-pleasure is always the best. Unless you're being pleasured by Inkward. And make sure you check out The Twiangle. They make me giggle on a daily basis, and Rob's Swiss Miss and I are working on a Haunted Airman project that everyone should be involved with. More on that later.

Tanya's Passion Parties

I have had quite the 24 hours.

I've been trying to get the damn Haunted Airman dvd in the mail for Rob's Swiss Miss for the past week, but I get diverted easily by shiny objects, food, alcohol, cute puppies, etc., etc., so I was just getting around to it yesterday morning. Of course I hadn't bought an envelope to ship that bad boy in, so I had to get one at the post office. There was a super long line, so I grabbed the envelope and went back outside to address it. Then I got back in line. And waited. And waited. And waited. It wasn't moving. Why, you ask? Well, it had to do with this nasty, rode hard and put away wet skank in front of me. Upon closer examination, I saw a Rubbermaid storage box with a sign taped to it that said "Tanya's Passion Parties." And it was full of dildo shaped cardboard boxes. Yep, the bitch was shipping peens. And she had like 15 of them. And she was arguing with the clerk over the price of postage. I tried to get a picture, but I was trying to remain inconspicuous (pffffttt...I know, right?). FML.

At that point, I was about 15 minutes late for my "work event" that I was supposed to be leaving for so I said fuck it and stormed out of the post office muttering (ok, loudly complaining) cuss words. I got about 10 minutes down the road and realized that I had definitely stolen the shipping envelope. Oops. My bad. Worth going back for? Absolutely not. So add theft of federal property to my list of great accomplishments (Note to federal authorities: I'm totally making this story up. I have never stolen anything in my life. On purpose. But definitely not a shipping envelope from one of your post offices.) I have plans to go to the UPS store at lunch.

So aaaaannnnyyyyway, I make the 2 hour trek through the swamp to the place I was supposed to be for work and actually almost got there on time. Luckily, I stopped for lunch beforehand because I was there from 1:00-8:00 and those bitches didn't offer me any food or water. It was awful. I ate my last Robward caramel for dinner and that made me sad. I had to talk about the Great Depression and mules for 7 hours (which is what I wrote my master's thesis on. I am so full of useless information), listen to a Jesus singing group (I'm sure there's a more technical term for that...gospel choir? Yeah. That sounds right), and was told by some old dude that mules were an abomination to God because they were, and I quote, "an unnatural mating." I closed my eyes, channeled VF Rob, and refrained from punching him in the face.

Not an abomination. This is hanging in my living room. Is that weird?

Meanwhile, in a little place called the internet, shit was hitting the fan over those Harper's pictures. But did I have internet access in bfe swampland? Of course not! So I just had to read everyone's "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" tweets on my circa 1950 cell phone and go slowly insane. Plus, it was freezing in the building (and I use the term loosely) that we were in and I was pretty sure I was going to get raped every time I went to the bathroom. There were a couple of hot professors there, but I figured there must have been something wrong with them to be teaching where they did.

Start humming the theme from Deliverance now.

I finally rolled back into my driveway at an ungodly hour of the evening, kicked off my shoes, yelled "Mommy has important pictures to look at! Go lay down!" to my poor neglected dogs and started dry humping my computer. *Sigh* All better.


I'm trying to stay out of trouble today. That's probably going to all go out the window when I go to put up the food drive Christmas tree at work and decorate it with green and red glittered VF Rob pictures (thanks for the idea, FireCrotch!). Guess what's going to be my tree topper? ;)

Oh, and P.S. I almost forgot about the college-age girl with the Team Jacob shirt on. I told her that I couldn't talk to her because of her shirt. I don't think she realized I was joking. Kind of. Whatevs.

Adventures In Hot Topic

So I skipped out on work today. I needed a day off...worked all week plus the weekend, and on top of that had to deal with a very unexpected death. Not a fun week. But things are going better and I feel refreshed and happy. Part of that has to do with those fuckhawt pictures (you know the ones I'm talking about) and part of it has to do with spending the whole day with my favorite kid and the world. His mom's not too bad either. ;-)

Adventures with Meg and Leighann are always fun. We had a super fantastically yummy lunch at Chili's, and got a to-go order for BBD (Leighann'salmost brother-in-law, my almost best-friend-in-law). He's a freshman in college and has no money and is too lazy to walk to the cafeteria so we thought we'd do him a solid and take him some tacos. He had band practice (yeah, the kid's in the university marching band) so we had some time to kill. What better thing to do than go to the mall and check out all the New Moon crap at Hot Topic?!?!

And crap they had. Landen couldn't keep his hands off it! Kid's got good taste. Have a look-see:

This was my favorite. Edward pillow case.

Buttons? Yes please!

Edward bag. We were so excited we couldn't hold still.

Then we went to The Children's Place and got him a super sexy hat. Watch out ladies!

They had a bunch of odd shirts, Sunglasses Mini-E and Mini-B on sale, and Bella's birthday dress. The best thing, however, was an Edward duvet cover. I totes need it. I'm going to eBay that shit. Good thing I'm single. Can you see it now? "Hey, why don't you come in?" And a few minutes later, "Really, I'm not insane. It's funny. Like over the top funny! Don't you get it? No? Whatever. Edward's prettier than you anyway."

My Monkey Man

Halloween didn't quite turn out to be the event that we were hoping for. We were going to do a Wizard of Oz theme, but never got around to making costumes. Work has been kicking my proverbial ass for past the few weeks and I have to work all weekend on top of the normal bullshit. Then a close friend of ours' father passed away very unexpectedly on Friday, making no one really want to celebrate anything.

But Leighann had bought Landen his flying monkey costume, so we talked ourselves into putting it on him and going over to Mama P.'s house last night (and she promised to feed us). He has a way of cheering everyone up (babies do that anyway and he's the cutest baby ever, so he has superpowers) and I think in the end we were both glad that we went. Plus, Mama P. gave us all her leftover candy (even though it didn't contain any Twi-Chocolate. But she did make an effort to find it, so I guess she's forgiven. Plus she bought us dinner....redeemed!)

P.S. Happy first day of November....19 days til THE BIG DAY! Super-duper extra fluffy woots all around!! :)

Prank Calls, Zoo Animals, And Tying It All Back Into Twilight

It's like a disease:


"Haha. It's like in Twilight when....."

or

"Haha. It's like in that one interview where Rob says/does..."

or

"Haha. If Rob were here I bet he would..."

It is my life now. And I'm cool with that. And thankfully, I'm pretty good at keeping it to myself when I'm out in public with my non-Twi friends. I just sink down into my insanity until someone shakes me and says, "Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, we expect a little bit of weirdness, but you've been standing there with your arms wrapped around yourself giggling for a half an hour."

That's my awkward transition into this discussion of how prank calls and zoo animals make me think of Twilight and/or the glory that is RPattz.

Saturday night was a doozy (is that how you spell doozy? what exactly is a doozy? oh right...my Saturday night). We made banana bread and buffalo chicken empanadas (aka fried love), Landen ate carrots for the first time (orange is the new "it" color) and broke up a fight between the lab and one of the pitbulls (the pitbull came away bleeding, btw). At this point, life called for a little liquid relaxation so we commenced with the drinking. I honestly thought that I may have died and gone to heaven, drinking a Woodchuck, eating a super fucking fantastic buffalo chicken empanada, watching Guster on Ice with my besties, and generally decompressing from an extraordinarily long and shitastic week. I even laughed when my mom texted me to tell me that she and my dad were going out for a glass of wine while my brother was at an AA meeting. I raised a shot of Jager to my lovingly dysfunctional family and was glad that we were all on the same wavelength.

It wasn't long before Guster came out and Twilight went in and it was at this point that I decided we should make some prank calls. So Brad stole my phone and started calling the 4 random numbers that I have from the 3.5 days that I did the online dating thing. Thankfully he had the wits about him to block my number, and we left messages for all of them. Poor guys. At least one message was nothing but Leighann and I making a rap out of the phrase "animal attack."

Then, (lightbulb moment!!) I called 411.

Operator: City and state please.

Me: Los Angeles, California

Operator: How can I help you in Los Angeles?

Me: Robert Thomas Pattinson, please [drunk me was being pretty polite!].

Operator (who was a guy): You have got to be kidding me. Hold on please.

Me: Word, brother!

Operator: Would you like a text message of this listing sent to your phone?

Me: Abso-fucking-lutely [this was quite possibly the longest 411 conversation I've ever had.]

So I get connected to "Robert Thomas Pattinson" who lives in LA. I'm screaming, "Oh my god! What if they're really connecting me to him? Why hasn't anyone else ever thought of this? I am a fucking savant!" and Leighann is doing the animal attack rap in the background.

Unfortunately, I got connected to the voicemail of a definitely un-British guy. I left a message anyway, just to let him know that I had 411'd Robert Pattinson and gotten connected to him. I don't remember exactly what all I said, but I think I told him that this could work out really well for him and that he needed to do some research, buy some flannel, and start pretending to be Rob when drunk girls call him. Funny though, I never heard back from him. Also funny is that I have a text message with Robert PattERSON's address in it. I may send him a card.

That was Saturday. Sunday morning, my dumbass was up at o'dark-thirty, cleaning the house and washing dishes. Even the dogs stayed in bed. It was a weird sudden burst of productive energy, fueled by empanadas, hard cider, and Robward (natch). We eventually made it to the zoo. Let's take a photographic tour, shall we?

Animal Attack!

There was a box of Captain Crunch in the sloth enclosure. WTF?

Hold on tight, spider monkey (yes, I hate that fucking line. But I can't help it.)

So that's all I got. I thought I had more pictures from the zoo, but I think I dropped the ball on the camera duties. It was way too much multi-tasking for me...animals, baby, stroller, camera, witty dialog. I gave up once we got past the goats and the monkeys.

Next weekend's adventure will revolve around trick or treating. We're leaving the 'hood and going over to my parent's neighborhood. I told my mom that we will only except Twi-chocolate and/or five dollar bills. She laughed. I don't think she realized how serious I was.

**LATE BREAKING NEWS**

I just saw one of the New Moon spots on the actual TV!! And during the Skins game to boot. Woot woot! I screamed and squeed and generally made an ass out of myself. No one else was that excited. I am so freaking excited for this movie to happen.

Baby Attack! (Revenge!)