Prank Calls, Zoo Animals, And Tying It All Back Into Twilight

It's like a disease:


"Haha. It's like in Twilight when....."

or

"Haha. It's like in that one interview where Rob says/does..."

or

"Haha. If Rob were here I bet he would..."

It is my life now. And I'm cool with that. And thankfully, I'm pretty good at keeping it to myself when I'm out in public with my non-Twi friends. I just sink down into my insanity until someone shakes me and says, "Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, we expect a little bit of weirdness, but you've been standing there with your arms wrapped around yourself giggling for a half an hour."

That's my awkward transition into this discussion of how prank calls and zoo animals make me think of Twilight and/or the glory that is RPattz.

Saturday night was a doozy (is that how you spell doozy? what exactly is a doozy? oh right...my Saturday night). We made banana bread and buffalo chicken empanadas (aka fried love), Landen ate carrots for the first time (orange is the new "it" color) and broke up a fight between the lab and one of the pitbulls (the pitbull came away bleeding, btw). At this point, life called for a little liquid relaxation so we commenced with the drinking. I honestly thought that I may have died and gone to heaven, drinking a Woodchuck, eating a super fucking fantastic buffalo chicken empanada, watching Guster on Ice with my besties, and generally decompressing from an extraordinarily long and shitastic week. I even laughed when my mom texted me to tell me that she and my dad were going out for a glass of wine while my brother was at an AA meeting. I raised a shot of Jager to my lovingly dysfunctional family and was glad that we were all on the same wavelength.

It wasn't long before Guster came out and Twilight went in and it was at this point that I decided we should make some prank calls. So Brad stole my phone and started calling the 4 random numbers that I have from the 3.5 days that I did the online dating thing. Thankfully he had the wits about him to block my number, and we left messages for all of them. Poor guys. At least one message was nothing but Leighann and I making a rap out of the phrase "animal attack."

Then, (lightbulb moment!!) I called 411.

Operator: City and state please.

Me: Los Angeles, California

Operator: How can I help you in Los Angeles?

Me: Robert Thomas Pattinson, please [drunk me was being pretty polite!].

Operator (who was a guy): You have got to be kidding me. Hold on please.

Me: Word, brother!

Operator: Would you like a text message of this listing sent to your phone?

Me: Abso-fucking-lutely [this was quite possibly the longest 411 conversation I've ever had.]

So I get connected to "Robert Thomas Pattinson" who lives in LA. I'm screaming, "Oh my god! What if they're really connecting me to him? Why hasn't anyone else ever thought of this? I am a fucking savant!" and Leighann is doing the animal attack rap in the background.

Unfortunately, I got connected to the voicemail of a definitely un-British guy. I left a message anyway, just to let him know that I had 411'd Robert Pattinson and gotten connected to him. I don't remember exactly what all I said, but I think I told him that this could work out really well for him and that he needed to do some research, buy some flannel, and start pretending to be Rob when drunk girls call him. Funny though, I never heard back from him. Also funny is that I have a text message with Robert PattERSON's address in it. I may send him a card.

That was Saturday. Sunday morning, my dumbass was up at o'dark-thirty, cleaning the house and washing dishes. Even the dogs stayed in bed. It was a weird sudden burst of productive energy, fueled by empanadas, hard cider, and Robward (natch). We eventually made it to the zoo. Let's take a photographic tour, shall we?

Animal Attack!

There was a box of Captain Crunch in the sloth enclosure. WTF?

Hold on tight, spider monkey (yes, I hate that fucking line. But I can't help it.)

So that's all I got. I thought I had more pictures from the zoo, but I think I dropped the ball on the camera duties. It was way too much multi-tasking for me...animals, baby, stroller, camera, witty dialog. I gave up once we got past the goats and the monkeys.

Next weekend's adventure will revolve around trick or treating. We're leaving the 'hood and going over to my parent's neighborhood. I told my mom that we will only except Twi-chocolate and/or five dollar bills. She laughed. I don't think she realized how serious I was.

**LATE BREAKING NEWS**

I just saw one of the New Moon spots on the actual TV!! And during the Skins game to boot. Woot woot! I screamed and squeed and generally made an ass out of myself. No one else was that excited. I am so freaking excited for this movie to happen.

Baby Attack! (Revenge!)

The Haunted Airman=Con-den-sation

You know that episode of Family Guy where Peter meets Tom Brady and ends up playing for the Patriots but acts like a jackass and then gets sent to England to play football there? Yes? Good. Then remember when they got to England and Lois is watching watching the weird BBC sitcom/drama where the people keep saying "Con-den-sa-tion, sation, sation, sation"? That's what The Haunted Airman was like.



I bought it last weekend on a whim. Figured, what the hell? It's Rob and he's not going to be speaking in a crappy American accent, so it's a win-win no matter how the cards fall. And that's true. He almost looks a little zygote-y in places, but there are some fucktacular (new favorite word!) shots of his fingers. And jaw. And bare feet. I don't have a foot fetish or anything, but fuck me. He has hot feet. And there a few scenes where this really odd nurse greases up her hands and gives him a back massage. Weirdly tingley.

As for the actual plot, I have no freaking idea what was going on. He's a pilot, I think he gets paralyzed in a plane crash (I kept yelling "Is his dick broken? That's important information!" and then we had a long conversation about whether or not we would break up with someone if he got paralyzed from the waist down) and must bump his head because he goes a little wacky. His "aunt" sends him to some psych-ward (haha. pun intended) hospital in Wales (I spent a week in Wales one night. From what I can remember it was a good time). There's a weird hypnotizing doctor who wants to "get to know" whatever Rob's character's name is (sorry. I forgot). The rest of the story involves spiders, incestuous aunt love and a straight-edge razor. And sweater vests. He wears a sweater vest.

Overall, it was pretty awful. The best part is the trailer (special feature!). It says something about "Twilight's Robert Pattinson" which is funny because the movie came out in 2006. So they obviously went back and added that into the trailer later. But hey, it worked, because my dumbass spent $15.00 for this hot piece of trash.

I wouldn't recommend buying it, but I'd be glad to send it to you if you want to watch it. It could be like that project that elementary school kids do where they send the little paper guy to other towns and take his picture. Flat Stanley! I Googled that shit. And found the best picture ever....

He made a new friend! haha I hope the FBI doesn't come after me for laughing at this...

So that's my take on The Haunted Airman. I've spared you a picture of the front cover, because Rob has on makeup. Like full-on blush, eye shadow, lipstick...the works. And to counter-balance the picture of Prezzy Bush with his arts and crafts, here's Rob. Peace out and happy Friday!

Scruffy Mexi-Rob courtesty of Thinking of Rob.

Breathe That Goodness In!

I have had a fucktacular afternoon. And that's not fucktacular as in, "I've had a fucktacular afternoon. RPattz showed up on my front porch when I got home and....(fill in the blank)." Nope, my fucktacular afternoon sucked donkey balls.

After I cried for a while and threw some shit around, I sat down on the sofa (at 4:00), and the next time I looked up it was 7:54. For reals? What had I been doing? Let me tell you through text:

Meg: I've turned a corner with the depressed crazy cat lady thing. I'm watching Twilight on mute for the 2.5 time tonight and reading smutty fanfic. I'm self soothing.

Leighann: Breathe that goodness in!

Meg: Hummmmmmm...and eating Captain Crunch for dinner. Sexy.

Leighann: Yeah, but it's not vodka, and that makes you a good soother!

So that's what I did with my wasted "I'm gonna use vacation leave and [blah, blah, blah...all the shit that I was supposed to do that was going to make me happy]" afternoon. Watched Twilight on mute and read smutty fanfic (finished the Bella Swan Diaries...it was pretty good).

So the lesson learned here: Twilight trumps vodka for self soothing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start the movie for 3rd time tonight and finish off another moonhine peach.

P.S. No matter how manic I'm being, I always laugh when Carlisle says "animal attack."

P.P.S Thanks to the girls at We Bite Pretty Hard for my copy of The Precious II. It makes me happier than Captain Cruch and moonshine peaches combined!

Rob-O-Lantern FAIL

Do you know how hard it is to find Twilight-themed pumpkin stencils? Wal-Mart was a complete and total fail. My list consisted of:

1. Batteries (ok, they had batteries. But I wasn't going to stand in line on a rainy Saturday afternoon just to buy batteries)

2. Plastic Halloween tablecloth

3. The Haunted Airman (yes, I was going to buy it. I really have no idea what it's about. I've just seen pictures. A friend said she saw it in one of those DVD box things in front of the grocery store, so I figured Wal-Mart would have it. Not).

4. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (really Wal-Mart? Really?)

5. All of the Twilight-themed Halloween crap Wal-Mart had to offer (which was a big, fat, ZERO!)

6. Pumpkin carving kits

They didn't have any of this! I hate Wal-Mart. I hate Wal-Mart with a passion. But I'm also super lazy and I was running retardedly late, so I braved the scary and went there. And was totally let down. However, by that point I was on a mission, so I left and decided that I would drive all the way across "town" (I use this term loosely. Swamp would be more accurate) to Target. Along the way, I stopped at The Dollar Store, where I was able to procure a table cloth, some rockin' Halloween socks, batteries, and goblets for our libations. Then I went to Walgreens, where I found carving kits, a light up vampire Snoopy (two wonderful worlds collide!) and Snoopy window clings. I also got a couple of chocolate Edward's, 'cause, you know, they were there. There was one of those DVD boxes in front of the store, but they didn't have The Haunted Airman. I'm beginning to wonder if Kelly is having Rob hallucinations. Happens to the best of us.

At this point, I gave up on going to Target, even though I was really coming up short on the Rob side. I stopped at Moe's to get a chicken quesadilla and then took my vampire Snoopy home and hung it in the window.

We had grand plans to go to a pumpkin patch or nursery but it took Brad like, 40 hundred hours to finish selling a 1983 Pontiac Grand Am to a weird toothless guy so we ended up at Kroger. $100 later and we had 5 pumpkins, 2 6-packs of pumpkin beer, baby food, cigarettes, Coke in glass bottles, apples for some fancy dessert that we never got around to making and TWO copies of the New Moon People magazine (one to save and one to cut up, natch).

So we get home, unload our 300 pounds of pumpkin, put the baby to bed, and commenced with the carving. Of course Rob needed to join us, so I tore out a hunky full page spread and Leighann taped it to the wall. Then he decided that he wanted a taste of my Havana Honey raspberry flavored cigarillo. Our friend Dave, who doesn't hang out with us that often, actually turned to Brad at this point and asked if this was normal. Brad's reply: "Man, every night it's me, Leighann, Meg and Rob. You get used to it."

I realized then that PFach had been left out of the festivities, so we gave him a seat at the table as well.

Ok. Toast to Rob (and a mini toast to PFach) and we're ready to get carving!

My dad asked me to not call him until after we left the emergency room. Wise move on his part, since within the first 5 minutes, I had already screamed "Ouch goddammit!" several times and managed to break all but the one carving tool Leighann hid from me in her pocket. And I'm a little glad that I didn't find the Twilight stencils, because I'm pretty sure I would have ruined Robward's pretty face. That shit is not as easy as it looks! My bat turned out ok, but I think that it may look ok to me because I know it's supposed to be a bat. Whatever. It was still better than Brad's "freelance" pumpkin. I added an empty Chocward wrapper to mine, and it was perfection.

Overall, it was a pretty successful evening. Unfortunately, while I did remember to buy batteries, I totally forgot my camera, so the only pictures I have of the series we now like to call "Arts and Crafts With Meg and Leighann" are from my crappy camera phone. Oh well. Maybe I'll remember next time (doubtful). I did order The Haunted Airman yesterday in a depressed, drunken stupor over the shame that is the Washington Redskins. Hopefully it will be worth the $15 and unpleasant hangover.

And, of course, saving the best for last...the cutest jack-o-lantern ever!

Lazy, Uninspired, Unfunny Shut-In

I have, like, 15 posts that are half finished but I hate them all and I'm having writer's block/I'm lazy and uninspired, unfunny, and a shut-in. All I know, is, it's raining and cold out, I wish I could win the lottery so I could sit around and eat cupcakes all day, and seeing all those new Vanity Fair outtakes make me wish....I don't know. See. I can't even put it into words! I'm like a drooling, blubbering, over educated moron.

We had plans to go to the zoo this weekend, and I was really looking forward to having some great lion/bear material to work with, but it's supposed to be nor'eastering (yeah, that's a real word. In the Meg Dictionary. Look it up). So much for that post. We're still planning on carving pumpkins Saturday night, and I think that with the right amount of alcohol and sleep deprivation, something funny may come of it. Mine's going to be Robward themed, so it's also possible that with the amount of detail that will need to go into this Rob-O-Lantern, you may get some great pictures of me in the ER, sans a couple of fingers. Wow. I haven't lost the ability to compose awkward, run-on sentences, have I?

I'm still trying to convince Leighann to go along with a Breaking Dawn themed Halloween, but so far, no dice on that on. We have a baby, a dog that looks a lot like a wolf, and I even offered to buy the Edward costume. I think it's a great idea. I'm not sure who I want to be yet...any suggestions?

Ok. On to more pressing issues. I promised Landen that if he took a nap I would give him a pony and a Rob. I can make the pony happen pretty easily, but I'm going to have to work on the Rob. I should get on that (haha).

P.S. I'm too lazy to even go searching for a hot "new" picture to post. Just gonna go with something random already saved on my computer. Like this...

Snot Rocket?

The Party Bus Leaves In An Hour...

All you need to bring is five bucks for gas, a week's worth of your favorite adult beverage, and a dozen cupcakes. Here's where we're going:

Have you ever been to Ocracoke? I have. Many times. And I NEVER knew that Edward had cottages there. How did this news escape me?

Ocracoke is pretty. There's lots to do. Like drive on the beach, eat shrimp, drink....and stay in Edward's cottages! I'm pulling out of my driveway in an hour. I have a third row seat in the back of my Explorer and Twilight is in the DVD player and ready to go. Who's comin' with me?!

P.S. Do you have random stacks of shit that kind of remind you of Twilight all over your house? Can you just say "yes, Meg. Yes I do." Thanks.

Further Proof That Rob and I Are Soulmates AND That We Both Have Fantastic Taste

Hey Rob,

Slate.com reviewed yogurt, and ours came in first! How fantastic is that? We should get together and celebrate over a shared cup of Fage 0% fat yogurt. You can put blueberries and strawberries in your part and I can put honey in mine. And then we can mix it together for a dreamy yogurt love-fest. I'll be home at 6:00. Give me a half an hour to get the dogs walked and I'll be ready.


Greek yogurt rocks and so do you!

Amazingly, I couldn't find a picture of Rob eating yogurt. So we'll go with Unibomber Rob.

Posters, Movies, and Prozac...Oh My!

Getting hypnotized on Friday afternoon significantly improved my outlook on life. If you've never tried it, I highly recommend it. It won't be what you expect.

Working 13 hours on Friday and most of the day Saturday made a nap, a Prozac, and a beer (or 6) necessary Saturday night. But Justin and I went to the movies and all my tired worries slipped away for 2 reasons.

Reason 1: We went to see Whip It. It was really good--you should go see it. Now. I told Justin I wasn't going to see any more movies before New Moon because it was so good. I may make an exception for Where The Wild Things Are, though.

Reason 2: This:

New Moon poster! Yay! I tried to get Justin to take a picture next to it, but he refused. I even bribed him with Jacob peanut butter candy (yes, I had this in my bag. Don't judge.). He took the candy, but still wouldn't pose with Robward and the gang. His loss. We also didn't get a picture of me dry humping the poster on the way out of the theater, which is probably a win for everyone.

How many days and counting? I can't wait. I preordered about $50 worth of crap from Amazon last week...the soundtrack, the illustrated companion thing, and some other stuff that I can't even remember now but I'm sure I really, really need. I'm on the lookout for New Moon decorations because I'm pretty sure my house needs to be decorated for the big event. I even got Landen an outfit with a wolf on it that says "leader of the pack." He's Team Carlisle, but they don't make infant outfits that have vampire doctors on them.