Wedding Crashers: The "Behave Yourself" Edition

So my best friends are getting married next year. It's a happy thing. Except that it makes me think towards next year and the fact that if I don't have a date for the wedding (which will include both myself and my ex in the wedding party and possibly, as his date, the 21 year old skank he left me for) I may go absolutely insane.

Leighann knows this is bothering me and it must really be on her mind because she called me with this fantastic dream she had last night. Here goes:

The three of us were sitting at their kitchen table doing invitations and she decided to be sneaky and write a letter to Rob inviting him to the wedding (I'm imagining this is like when Edward invited Jacob to the wedding. And Jacob showed up, so....). She went into great detail...she remembers exactly what the letter said and is supposed to be writing it down for me as we speak. Anyway, so she writes this letter and sends it to him, but doesn't tell me so that I don't obsess over it for 6 months. Well, something comes in the mail for her one day, and, oh my god, it's a "Brittany Spears can't be at the VMA's, but she sent this video acceptance speech" tape. From Rob, to me. Leighann said that with his sexy, melt in your mouth accent, he said "hi Meg" and then went on to apologize for not being able to make it. I am died.

Ok, so flash forward to the wedding (this is an effing epic dream, isn't it?). We're dancing to Thriller, drinking some wine coolers, eating fondue (I added that part...that's what we're doing in my imagniation) and this "big burly fucker" comes up to Leighann and taps her on her shoulder. She said she was excited, but also thought she might get tased. He says he needs to speak to her and leads her outside to a limo. *Gasp* It's Rob. He showed up. And he kissed her on her cheek (bitch. But I guess it was her dream). She's runs back into the reception and gets "all the single ladies" (haha. I know, right?!) to line up facing her. She tells us that there's someone special here, but he only has time for one dance and he's going to choose one of us to dance with. He comes up from behind (haha again), taps me on my shoulder and then fucking (this deserves a "fucking") whispers in my ear "Behave yourself. We only have 15 minutes and your dad is watching." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! It was just me and Rob and Brad and Leighann dancing, and as they came by us, Leighann said to me, "I know this is your moment and shit, but you better give me a high five, because, who's your bitch?!?!"

And *end dream*. How amazing is that? I love my best friend for having a dream like for me. She really is my bitch.

Ok...(this is future me. I've had this saved as a draft for a couple of days). Leighann managed to remember word for word what her note said (cause it's all true, natch). Here is is:

Dear Rob,

My name is Leighann N******. I am getting married on September 10, 2010. Enclosed is an invitation for you, though I'm sure even if you wanted to, you will not be able to attend. Before I make my request, let me give you a little bit of background.

My best friend, and godmother to my son Landen introduced me to Twilight right after I gave birth. I went from working full time to being a full time mom and I needed something keep me from going stir crazy. I was immediately hooked. Whenever we just sit around having down time, Meg and I watch Twilight. Meg is definitely Team Edward, to say the least.

You see, Meg and Matt were together for almost seven years. Though the relationship was somewhat emotionally abusive, it broke Meg's heart to learn that Matt was leaving her for a younger girl he met at work. With time and tears, Meg has done her best to be civil towards Matt. Because they were together for so long, our friends are mutual, so they see each other often. Like myself, Meg turned to books to keep herself grounded; that's why she recommended Twilight to me in the first place. Then one day...she saw you! She absolutely adores you! Blogs, interviews, fan fiction, pictures...anything Rob, Meg's on it! It's not as bad as a teenage girl crush on you, but it's close!

Recently, Brad and I have started to plan our wedding. Meg is one of my bridesmaids and of course Brad asked Matt to be a groomsman. We did promise not to pair them together, don't worry! So my request is this. You know when someone's on tour, or filming and they can't make an awards show, they send a video message? Yeah, I know you do. Well, if you could send a video message of you telling Meg you're sorry you couldn't make it, but you would have loved to be there with her, or something along those lines, I would be in debt to you always. It's my wedding day, so I will obviously be happy, but I know Matt being there with his new girlfriend is still going to hurt Meg and she'll try to play it off for my sake.

This would be the best wedding gift I could ever receive, making my best friend happy even if it's just for a minute. Please consider it, at least! I'll have my fingers crossed!

Thank you,

Leighann N****** (soon to be) R******

P.S. Sorry for the sloppy letter. I had to write quick and stick the envelope in the mail before Meg noticed. I didn't tell her I was writing you, just in case I don't get a response! :(

PLEASE FAN CLUB, PASS THIS LETTER ON TO ROB!!!!!!

And, *wipe tear*. I know, it's kinda sappy and makes me look like a gigantic, lame, lonely loser. But hey, it's a nice sentiment and I'll take a pity video from Rob any day of the week.

So there's an intimate look into my life for the whole interweb to see. If you see Rob, tell him his invite is in the mail. And that I can't promise I'm gonna behave.

I'll see you next September. And I promise to wear this.

Photo ganked from ROBsessed

ECity Middle Schoolers, Represent!

I was driving to work today and passing by all the kids that I feel like I've come to know who wait patiently every morning for the bus, listening to Miley Cyrus on their iPods, sitting on their tuba cases, sporting skinny jeans and weird snow boots, and I had to stop and give a woot woot fist pump to one chick that's always by herself on the corner.

She's not the prettiest or skinniest girl in school, I'm sure (and I can relate. I fucking hated middle school.) But today, she was sporting something that you just know is going propel her into the upper rings of middle school society. It was THE Edward shirt. You know, the one with his creepy, photoshopped looking face across the whole front? This one:

That was alot of Edward, cause like I said, she weren't wearing no skinny jeans. But you know what, honey? You rock that shit. Team Edward loud and proud! You're not ashamed to go to middle school with his hot (albeit weird in that "picture") face plastered to your chest. Nobody's questioning who's team you're on. All those popular bitches may snicker at you and throw mini corn dogs at you in the cafeteria, but you just ignore them. Because when you grow up and leave this crappy small town, you're gonna be cool. You may even start your own blog where you talk about ridiculous things like shagging Robward in the back of your mom's Volvo or trying to teach your bird to talk like Rob. And you'll meet cool people who have a lot of the same goals and aspirations. And your real -life friends won't laugh at you. They'll indulge you because they love you. Whether it means babysitting so you can go to the mall and make catcalls to PFach or buying frozen Edward's pies because "I knew you would laugh, and honestly, I think you might be rubbing off on me." You'll be golden.

So wear it girl. Wear it proud. Every morning when I pass you on the corner, I'm gonna smile and give you a thumbs up. Team Edward! Woot woot!

Ah Mah Gawd...Edward Is In My Driveway!

Oh wait. That's just my mom. In her brand new Shiny Silver Volvo.

Here's the breakdown:

Mom sends me a picture of the new car.

Meg: You totally bought a shiny silver Volvo and I heart you for it. Twilight reference. You should read it now that you and Edward have the same car.

Mom: Word [my mom totally said "word." lol]

I have mixed feelings about this purchase. I have dirty thoughts about what Robward could do to me in the back of his Volvo. But my mom's driving it. Meh...dirty thoughts prevail. I'll just have heart palpitations every time I see it.

Of course, I had to text Leighann and tell her about it.

Meg: My mom just bought a shiny silver Volvo just like Edward's. For real.

Leighann: Woot Woot! Mama P.'s crazy. Ask her if we can take it to our premiere.

Meg: Haha! Yes! Such a good idea!

Leighann: That's why you keep me around!

Meg: I know! Mom said she may negotiate. If we take it, we have to write on the windows.

Leighann: Let's not tell her, though.

Meg: Yeah. We'll keep that on the dl. And return it with "I own Rob, bitches" written across the windshield.

Leighann: Haha. She will kill us. I'm in!

Meg: That's why you're my bitch!

Leighann: Word! Woot woot!

So, we'll roll up to the midnight show in a for real shiny silver Volvo with crass writing all over it, sporting homemade t-shirts and toting my Robward flask. Does that make me completely insane or just the best fan ever?

Rob And I Are Soulmates! Thanks US Weekly!

Ok, so to start, I have to say that page 17 is my favorite. Mmmmmmm....

But then I got to the ABC's of Rob, or whatever the frick (I'm trying to cut down on the bad words) that is, and realized that, oh my god, we're meant for each other. Let's go through it...

A: American Idol. Seriously, Rob? I'm gonna chalk this one up to "US Weekly lies."

B: Bad Girls: I like music. I like guys who can sing. Word!

C: Cinnamon Toast Crunch: I have some of the in my pantry right now! Come over and have some!

D:Dive Bars: See: Meg's Saturday nights

E: Exorcist: Ok, this movie scares me. You can come over and hold my hand.

F: Flannel: I think I got rid of all my flannel in 1995, but you look hot in it. Rock on, Rob. Rock on.

G: Greek Yogurt: This is the defining letter of the alphabet. I eat the same yogurt every single morning. And it's not like it's Yoplait or something. That shit is hard to find. This morning, I imagined that Rob and I were eating our Fage Total 0% fat yogurt together. It was nice.

H: Hair Loss: I think Brendan Fraser's a douche too.

I: iPhone: Don't have one. Wish I did, but I'm a cheap MF and also too lazy to switch providers. I'll give you my number, though.

J: Job: Not so much into the Bible, Rob. But I feel like maybe you were being a jackass here. Funny, cause I like to joke Jesus too.

K: Kings of Leon: Hells yeah! I've seen them a couple of times.

L: London & LA: Been to both places. I dug London. Drank alot. I actually racked up a $400 bar tab one night and got out of it by telling the bartender, Pano, that he could hang out at the beach with us if he ever came to the US. I gave him my address, but never heard from him.

M: Mobs: I will knock a bitch out, Rob. Super strength.

N: Nude Scene: Yes please.

O: The Office: Love both versions. Fact.

P: Palihouse: Ok. I don't really have anything for this one. But I have eaten a traditional English breakfast. Not so good. I mean, baked beans? Really?

Q: Queens: My dad has an apartment there. Next time you visit, look me up.

R: Redkin Mousse: Yeah, I've used it.

S: Sidekicks: I always travel with an entourage. Safety in numbers, right?

T: Terrier: I have 2!! Not the same kind, but pitbulls are more of a man's dog anyway, and mine can't wait to meet their new daddy.

U: Uggs: Have not and will not ever own a pair. Never even tried them on.

V: Valium: Sometimes you just need something to take the edge off. I have Xanax in the cabinet.

W: Working out: You don't like it, I don't like it. Maybe we can come up with an alternate form of "working out." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

X: Exes: Yeah, I got a few. I hate them.

Y: Yankees: You look hot in that hat. I'm cool with it.

Z: Zoolander: The teen model pictures of you are creepy, partly because you look like a girl and partly because it makes me feel like the folks from "To Catch a Predator" are going to come after me if I look at them. But, did you know that Alexander Skarsgard was in Zoolander? That's cool. We'll just think of him in this instance.

So there you have it. Can't argue with those facts, can you?

Operation "Get the Bird to Talk Like Rob"

Is coming along. Unfortunately, all I have are things that we came up with while eating moonshine peaches. The list started out kind of making sense, but I think it's digressed into a "you had to be there" kind of thing.

Working on The List

Here's a sample:

Would you like a cupcake?

Come cuddle Ruca. You're suck a good girl! (That's my dog. Gotta love my dog.)

You're not crazy. You're special!

I want to eat you for dinner.

I'm squeezing these peaches. Do you know how saturated these things are?

The texture really isn't that bad. I think I'll take another bite.

Twixx make me hot for you. (???)

Meg, bitch! Take a bite!

Meg's going for seconds.

It was juicin' out my mouth and I had to suck it back in.

Close to the seed. I'm not cool with that.

I wanna talk dirty to the peach.

And my personal favorite:

When I stand up, I think things are gonna be different.

"Just get a chunk of it in your mouth and chew!"

There's six pages of this shit. I'm going to buy a hand held tape recorder when I get paid next week and then it's going in the mail. It's a glorious plan.

The Computer Illiterate Is Starting a Website...

The first business meeting is Tuesday at the Mexican place "behind Patient First." You know the one I'm talking about?

Now, obviously I'm unconditionally and irrevocably bad with all things computer (see blog). I keep thinking that I'm going to make my blog all cool and flashy, get about 5 minutes into attempting to figure out how, and then give up and go watch Rob videos on YouTube. And now I've decided that my next adventure is going to be attempting to make money with a website. We've even bought a domain name and everything. It has absolutely nothing to do with Twilight *gasp* but if you're interested in a social networking site for horse people who are over the age of 18 (but not in an "adult" way...we just don't want a bunch of teeny-boppers. I deal with enough of them in my other obsessive pursuits) then hit me up. We're looking for like minded people.

Anyway, if you too were computer retarded but now can kind of make things look like you know what you're doing, can you please, please tell me how you learned those things? Do they make a "How to Turn on Your Computer and Do Things With It (that's what she said) For Dummies" book? I'm actually pretty good at reading words printed on pages. And I'm getting better at reading words printed on computer screens (thanks smutty fanfic! three cheers for you!).

My psychic told me that I would start earning extra income by December, so I'm really thinking that this website thing is going to work. That or I'm going to start selling myself on the street corner. She also told me that I'm going to meet my soulmate by Christmas, so I'll let you know when Rob and I announce our engagement. Everyone's invited to the wedding!

Yeah, that's me at work with an astronaut helmet on. Look closely and you can see the poster of Rob taped to my file cabinet.

Sweet Dreams...

I had the strangest dream last night. Me and my bestest friend Leighann were in the airport. I don't have a clue where we were going and I think she was there because she likes to call me at midnight after I'm asleep and tell me things like "we just made banana splits!" Fuck you very much, bitch. I'm asleep and now I want a banana split! I really do love her, though.

Said banana split. Yep, I even had visuals.

Anyway, we're in the airport at a bar and somehow run into Kellan and Jackson. It's all cool. We have a few beers with the boys, talk about football (?!), I get pissed at the waitress because she's flirting with them and not refilling our drinks. A typical night out for me. I somehow manage to play it cool and not ask where Rob is, I think because Jasper, I mean Jackson, is hitting on me and I figure I'd go there if Rob doesn't show up. But then, *gasp*, he does show up! He's all frazzled and late and rushing and they suddenly have to leave to get on their plane. Oh noes!! But Rob gets detained at security and ends up missing the flight (cue swell of hopefully romantic music) and there's no other choice but to stay and hang out with us. For some reason he offers me his sweatshirt to wear (well, not "some reason." The reason is that I tend to steal boys' sweatshirts. I have a collection). There's kind of a blank spot in my memory of what happened next. Even my asleep mind can't handle the Rob. I remember him suddenly having to leave, but telling me I can have the sweatshirt. Sigh. Everyone says that it stinks, but it smells heavenly to me.

Then fucking Turtle started fucking barking at the fucking garbage truck and I fucking woke up. But I was in a fucking good mood when I popped out of bed for work, so take that Turtle. Next time you're barking and twitching in your sleep, dreaming about killing Crackrock, I'm gonna yell in your ear and ruin it for you. Ha.

Yeah, I ruined yer dream. But you can't be mad cause I got crooked teeth and that's funny.

My Flask Came, Bitches!

Can I get a woot woot?!

For some reason I felt the need to send this picture to my mom, and I'm not sure if she was more concerned with the fact that a) I bought an Edward flask, b) I couldn't wait to get inside to open the package or c) The shit shipped from Hong Kong and she thinks I'm going to get poisoned. I assured her that a) Who doesn't need a flask with Edward on it?!?!?!, b) I've been waiting for this fucker for weeks. Damn straight I opened it in my car and c) Meh....at least I'll die drunk and happy with Edward in my hands.

More to follow...

Sexy (Hot) Mess...

I just saw an article on MSN that described Rob's hair as a sexy mess. Yes please.

New Moon Better Than Twilight...

People are talkin'....I am so excitedly squirmy. Although, I would argue that the best part of the trailer is Robward's sexy Man V. Just sayin'.....

Yahoo article here. It's nothing new, but exciting nonetheless. I really, really hope this movie kicks serious ass. I have a lot riding on it (haha).

A Parakeet With a British Accent....

Wait for it....

I'm having what I've started referring to as PTRD (Post Traumatic Rob Disorder). I'm on Rob overload. I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't eat. Eh, who am I kidding...I'm eating. But yeah, it's bad. I mean, how about that new trailer? Holy fuck! That shot where he's standing there with his shirt off and it looks like he doesn't have any pants on (we call that The Man V around my house)? I need a cupcake, right now!!! And then last night at the VMA's when he was all happy drunk and slurring his words? Adorable. We celebrated the adorable with shots of Jager and me blowing an airhorn inside the house. I am not going to be able to sit still during that movie. Hmmmm...maybe I should take an airhorn to the movie....

And then there was the season finale of True Blood. How fantastic was that? I seriously got tears in my eyes when I thought they were going to kill Sam. I was on a bit of an emotional overload, but still...it was too much! And then the way he totally rammed his horn into Maryann. Sick. My only complaint is Bill. I cannot freaking stand him. The whole second half of the episode, I was chanting, "Eric come kill him, Eric come kill him, Eric come kill him." And then he proposed? What the hell, yo? I wanna see Bill tortured. By Eric. Naked.

The Redskins did lose, which sucked, and my fantasy football team (Cracker's Crushers, named after my super totally cool parakeet) is in last place. It was not a good weekend for football. Meh...at least McNabb cracked a few ribs.

And speaking of parakeets....I read somewhere that the bird who had the world record for saying the most words was a parakeet. Soooooooo...after eating year old, moonshine soaked peaches on Saturday night, we decided that we needed to teach Crackrock to talk like Rob. How cool would that be? We started a list of phrases and I'm going to send Rob a tape recorder and ask him to repeat the list so that I can play it over and over for Crackers. Think it'll work? If you have any suggestions for Rob phrases my parakeet should learn, send 'em my way. My ultimate goal is that Rob will realize how totally perfect we are for each other and show up at my house one day (since my return address will be on the envelope). My psychic said that I was going to meet the man of my dreams this month, so I need to get on this shit, stat!

Stupid Articles...

This one was titled "Is Twilight Bad For Your Lovelife?" I mean, really? I am in a super shitty, tired, not feeling good mood, and this shit just pisses me off. Some twat who writes for MSN Relationships reads Twilight and then posts some dumb article about how it's bad that Bella cooks dinner for her dad. Don't be bitter, bitch. I'd be fucking brainwashed too if Robward was mooning over me.

Why do people have to take shit so seriously? I mean, I'm an educated person. I have a couple of degrees, a fairly demanding job (hard to believe, I know, since I'm taking time out to vent about this shit) and real-life relationships, bills, responsibilities, etc., etc., fucking etc. I dig Twilight. I dig Twilight fanfic. And I have to say, Twilight has been pretty freaking fantastic for my lovelife.

So, to the author of that stupid article, get a life.

I'm done. Sorry for the excessive potty mouth. I need a xanax and a shot of tequila.

Calm down, Meg. Join me outside for a cigarette...

Patience Level=Negative 528

When is my fucking flask going to get here? It's rainy and cloudy and just generally shitty, and I wanted to come home and sip corn liquor out of my Robward flask. And it's not here! Fuck. That's all I have to say.

I'm sorry you've had a shitty day, Meg. I wish I was there to kiss it and make it better.

I had an annoyingly Non-Twilightly Labor Day weekend. I did purchse New Moon tickets, which was totally squee-worthy, except that I was in a hotel room with my grandmother and aunt and they really didn't appreciate the complete and total glory. I also made the mistake of offering them a chocolate Edward, and my aunt actually said "Who's Edward?" GASP! They didn't deserve Edward. They got a Jacob, but I even felt kinda slimy giving them him. Hate to waste chocolate and hot men-boys.

Then I made another mistake. Started reading smutty fanfic before going to sleep. In the hotel room with said aunt and grandmother. It was almost entirely undbearable, but I couldn't stop reading. Luckily, I had procured a jar of moonshine and was able to knock myself out pretty quickly. Ain't nothin' like a little shine and little Robward porn.

Me Exploding

After I got home on Sunday, I spent the next two days on the couch reading as much fanfic as I could. I stopped briefly to go buy a parakeet (long story...his name is Crackrock McSpongey) and to take my mom to have an endoscopy.

Crackrock McSponey aka Crackers

My Robward flask did ship, though sadly did not arrive in time for me to put moonshine in it and drink myself stupid. Overall, it was kind of a meh weekend. I could have used a pick-me-up, like Rob standing naked on my doorstep or a winning lottery ticket. I guess there's always next week...(which happens to include the MTV Video Music Awards and the season finale of True Blood and the first Redskins game of the season).

Woot Woot and an Extra Woot!

I just bought New Moon tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Preparations...77 Days and Counting...

The topic of conversation last night was how we were going to smuggle booze into the movies and who was going to drive us to and from said movies.

I've been jonesing for one of those nifty Twilight lunchboxes, so I thought that maybe I could get one and use the thermos for my liquor. I went online this morning and the one that I really want, with the whole cast on it, is like a hundred million dollars (well, actually $99, but I work for the state, yo!). On Amazon, you can order the lunch box along with the band-aids for a cool $112. Seriously? I mean, I'd love for Robward to kiss my boo boos and make them better then take me on a picnic with his very own lunch box, but I ain't got that kinda cash. So the search continued...

I reminded myself that I'm really just looking for a pocketbook-sized container to hide vodka and that *ta da* a flask would be perfect! And whaddya know...I found one! For $15.99. With Robward's smokin' hot mug on it. Purchased.

And for the conundrum of who was going to do the driving, we elected our ever-willing and oft-abused friend Justin. He doesn't drink (check for DD) and is only 22 (check for fitting in with all the tweens). Perfect. I'm buying him a ticket and guilting him into going with us, but not letting him know about this plan until the last minute. Not giving him time to come up with an excuse like, "I have to work" or "I hate you."

Silky Smooth

Look what I just bought! (I know they've been out for a while. Things happen slowly in Northeastern North Carolina).

Did I need razors? Yes.

Did I need Twilight razors? Some would argue no, but I'm gonna go with a resounding abso-fucking-lutely yes!

Shiny Silver Volvo...FAIL!

Hurricane Bill vs. The Shiny Silver Volvo (and stupid tourists)

I'll refrain from the True Blood references because, basically, I hate Bill and I know that Robward could kick his ass and would never be so stupid as to drive his Shiny Silver Volvo into the ocean.

One of the few perks of living where I do during tourist season is that there are lots of things like this to make fun of...

Rob Plus Chocolate And Caramel...

Equals: Better Than Sex

A co-worker brought me New Moon chocolate this morning. You know it's going to be an ok day when you have choco-Rob waiting for you in your office before 8 a.m.